What doesn't kill you
by claudia1
Summary: The crew still haven't found out the truth, they still think I'm 100% human
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimers: these characters are not mine.  
  
Dad  
  
The crew still haven't found out the truth. They all still think I'm 100% human. If only they knew the truth. I woke up today and I realised that it was nine years since the day I came back home. Nine years doesn't really seem that long. The crew don't know that I spent 18 years of my life with the Borg. They all think I was born and raised on earth. I was only on earth for the first three years of my life.   
  
Do you remember how I became part of the Borg collective? We took a shuttle trip to a space station that was on the federation border. We never reached our destination; we were caught in a wormhole of some kind. The space station was able to beam you abroad at the very last moment. I wasn't so lucky. The shuttlecraft was flung into the delta quadrant. I was in the shuttlecraft on my own, stuck in the delta quadrant with Borg coming towards me. As a three year old I have no real memory of what it is like to be assimilated. I do remember crying out for my mum and dad, but you never came. 18 years later I was on an away mission with four other Borg drones, something went wrong and we were sucked though the same wormhole and back into the delta quadrant. The nearby space station beamed us straight to their sickbay and severed our link to the Borg collective. The four other Borg drones died instantly, I was the unlucky one. I was the person who survived. Two weeks later they found out who I was. Those 18 years I spent with the collective were hidden. They gave me a past and taught me how to use my telepathic skills to hide who I really was. You didn't even come to get me from the space station; I had to make my own way back to earth. When I finally reached earth I joined starfleet. It was the only place where I could get away from you and back to the collective. Now I don't think like that. I joined starfleet so I would feel more like a human, so I would have a place I could fit in.  
  
I've kept my secret hidden for nine years now. The time has come to tell Captain Janeway the truth. I owe her dad; she gave me a new lease on life. I really don't know how to tell her my secret; I just know that the time has come to tell the truth. I've hidden the truth for far to long  
  
I'm married now. I married the first officer two years ago. In all the time I have spent with my partner, I never told him who I really was. I never once mentioned that I was once part of the Borg collective. He doesn't trust the borg, so why would he trust a former borg drone getting harder to face each new day, knowing that my life is a lie and my past is catching up with me. Voyager has had a lot of dealings with the Borg. Each time Voyager faces the Borg in battle part of me wants to re-join the collective. The other part just feels guilt and shame for the billions of deaths that I am responsible for. I have to tell the captain the truth.  
  
I have thought about leaving voyager and just leaving a short message for the captain telling her the truth and that is exactly what I am doing. As I am sending you this message the captain and my partner will also receive one. By the time they receive the message I will no longer be on board Voyager. I can't expect them to forgive me for my lies. I can't face my partner and see nothing but hatred in his eyes. Leaving is the better option for everyone. You most probably think I'm taking g the coward's way out, but it's the only way. Dad, I'm a telepath. I can remember the assimilation of millions of species, I know how each person felt when there life was snatched away by the Borg. When you know what its like to have the nightmares and memories that I have, then you can judge me.   
  
Cuddles, I'm sorry that I have let you down so badly. I didn't want to leave, but it's the only way. If I knew for certain that you could accept the real me, I would stay. I know people will say I'm a coward, a bastard, a low down bum, hell they will curse me every name under the sun. By leaving you and Voyager like this I will be confirming what most people think about me. I just hope that you came forgive me, for what I have done.   
  
Captain, thank you for giving me another chance. Without you I would never have experienced life amongst humans. Please would you look after cuddles? When the crew ask where I have gone, tell them the truth. Tell them what you want. Where I'm going it won't matter what people think of me.  
  
genie   
  



	2. 2

Disclaimers. The characters are not mine. The story is.  
  
Warning: mentions an m/m relationship.  
  
Notes: The pathfinder project allows the crew of voyager to have conversation with the families at home. The only drawback is the two- second time delay.  
  
Dad  
  
I have been an individual for nine and half years now. I still have days where I crave the Borg even after all these years. The Borg is organized and emotionless. The Borg was able to suppress me telekinesis, telepathy and empathy. When the doctors severed my link to the collective my abilities were no longer suppressed. Due to my previous letter my husband now knows I'm a telepath, but he still doesn't know everything. Nine and half years ago my abilities were weak. Now they are extremely powerful. My abilities are the reason I left voyager. The telepathy and telekinesis I could control. It was my empathy that nearly drove me to the edge of insanity. My mental shields were not as strong as they should have been. It was almost as if my mind was sponge soaking up the emotions of everyone on board voyager. In the end I had to leave Voyager to save my sanity.  
  
When Chakotay (my husband) read the letter I could feel the anger he felt towards me for leaving voyager and him. Above his anger I felt his love for me. I didn't think he could love me once he knew I was an ex-Borg drone. I felt all these emotions from Chakotay even though I was light years away from him. I sometimes listen to Chakotay's thoughts. I know it's rude to another person's thoughts, but I find it comforting. I can speak to him, but I'm not too sure he wants to hear my voice in his head. I miss Chakotay so much. I want to feel his touch again. It could be I'm empathy that I miss him so much. Dad did the doctors ever tell you what happens to an empathy if they are left alone for a long time. Empath's go crazy. The loneliness slowly eats away at your soul and then it kills you. The only thing that has kept me sane is the connection I share with Chakotay. The connection isn't as strong as it used to be. I think its because I am the only person aware of the connection. I want to feel Chakotay's strong arms around me again so badly it hurts. I will never know what it is like to feel his touch again, if I can't go back to voyager.  
  
Dad, do you think it's selfish to want those 18 years of my life back. To have had a normal human upbringing. To know what it is like to be fully human. You never really knew what those first two weeks as an individual was like for me. Once the doctors severed my link to the collective the scientists placed me behind a force field. They placed three armed guards outside my cell. Three days later they found out I was the son of admiral Paris so they dropped the force field and began to remove my Borg implants. For those three days I was kept behind the force field the scientists never let me sleep or regenerate. They also used considerable force while questioning me about the Borg and there advance technology. I told them I could barely remember my time with the Borg. The scientist and doctors knew I was lying, but nothing they used on me (drugs, torture) would get me to tell them what they wanted to know.  
  
Dad how is mom. I know I have barely said two words to mom in a year, but I didn't want mom to see me. Mom always knows when I am not myself. Dad tell mom I love her. Tell my sisters that I love them, even if I never let them know. When I was home for those two days I felt so out of place. I didn't understand what it meant to be inside a family home. There were so many emotions I was feeling that I had never felt before. Emotions that had been shut away for the last 18 years. I once overheard mom she couldn't forgive the Borg for what they had done to her son. Mom also said I would never have a normal life and she was right. So I turned to alcohol to try and block out the many memories (good and bad, but mostly bad) I had from my time with the Borg. Though the next few years I was either drunk or hung over. When the incident at cadik prime happened I became even more distant and cold hearted. I was unable to handle all the emotions I was receiving from them as they died. Prison, prison isn't something I like to talk about. I did horrible things in prison just to survive. Thought out those years I was in prison Starfleet tried and failed to get information from about the maqus form me. I didn't tell them anything. Even when Starfleet threatened and did things to me that went against starfleets treatments of prisoners I still didn't tell them anything. Dad, when I wouldn't give into Starfleet they offered me a full pardon. All I had to do was give them Chakotay's ship. I told them that I had killed Chakotay's ship. I told them that I had killed Chakotay and I had blown up his ship. The only thing they would ever find is the debris. I never told Chakotay any of this. What would have been the point? Then Janeway came to see me. She honestly thought I would sell out the maqus for my own freedom. She was wrong. I accepted the mission so I could go back to the maqus. I knew that the maqus thought I had betrayed them and would have killed me, but at the point in my life death was a welcome release. I didn't for one moment believe the delta quadrant would become my home again.  
  
I don't think I would be welcome back on voyager I have told far to many lies. I can't really be trusted if I lies so much. Dad would you let captain Janeway know the shuttle is still in one piece. Tell Chakotay that…, tell Chakotay I miss him so much, that with out him I feel incomplete.  
  
Genie 


End file.
